The Health of a Woman (who happens to be a chef...)
And a list of things I'm excited about right now
Our human body, our singular micro-universes, our vehicles. What precious commodities they are to these strange masses of energy, these boundless spirits that we are, these carefully contained collections of hopes and dreams and fears and love and curiosities, that poetic quintessence of dust. What a piece of work is man, indeed, baby Shakes.
We age and we are told to remain beautiful even in the face of losing it, that youthful glow, the dewy elasticity and shine of our skin. We are told to defiantly not act the age we are but, instead, the age we feel - assuming we will all feel a younger age than we are. The body and age positive era has its benefits - I am so excited that young women with curves wear crop tops in the summer and short shorts instead of the xxl band t-shirt and hand-me-down levi’s from my dad, to hide my body from the world to both avoid weight assessments and the unwanted gaze of soldiers on the army post I lived on. Those are all good changes. But, somehow, it also comes with some pressure to feel good in your body and feel good about yourself! ALL THE TIME!
And, I do not. And have not. For a long, long time.
The first thing you should know - I am a terrible patient. I don’t trust doctors, for a lot of good reasons, and I am actually, mostly a punk-ass little bitch who hates authority figures. I truly think I can outsmart anything, including illness. Time, however, will tell you: you cannot.
The second thing you should know, which you already do: food is my favorite pastime. It is how I travel, how I visit, how I make friends, how I communicate. It is a major problem for me that it also seems to be what is hurting me.
I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Disease in 2017. I won’t go into it, you can google it, but basically, my body is in constant battle - antibodies all up in my bloodstream, making me feel basically like a prisoner to my exhaustion, brain fog, unreasonable weight gain, face swellin’ up like a balloon at even the whiff of alcohol or gluten, and constant, never-ending body pains. It’s a real gas!
Diet can control this, largely. Lowering stress and basically doing my best to correct what twenty years of super industrial strength GO! SURVIVE! YOU CAN’T STOP OR EVERYTHING WILL FALL APART! did to my sweet little micro-universe capsule of a human body. I did a pretty good job of jerking myself off about how well I was managing this since 2017. But, nah. I needed a hard restart says a scary false heart attack in ATL that resulted in an ER visit in January where every single doc or nurse stood shocked by my casual mention of Hashimoto’s as if it was a knee scrape. Apparently, it can mess up your heart big time. Apparently it can do all sorts of nasty tricks besides that. I learned that day that the kind of low-key destruction Hashimoto was doing to my body as I was trying to outsmart it eventually would have found a way to kill me. I’m not a scientist, but I’m fairly certain this is one way cancer and diabetes and heart issues take hold.
Not to mention, as I navigate this, I have also found myself in the midst of peri-menopause which is yet another reminder that women really do have to earn our place on this planet - every decade bringing us new ways to suffer, new pains to adapt to, new protocols to have to abide.
So, I write from a place of humility. I have been humbled by my body’s strong suggestion that I might need to live another way, at least until it demands something else from me. But what a lucky thing to get to say. I hope it keeps demanding better things from me. I also hope I get to crush a baguette sandwich again one day, but I’m not gonna push it at the moment.
For now, I have some dues to pay. Apparently.
I have, for two weeks, been abiding by the AIP diet - BORING I KNOW. I’ll be on this for another six weeks and, while the first week was truly horrific, I can honestly say I feel better than ever. Clear head, inflammation nearly gone, energy like I haven’t felt in years. I feel so good, my Hashimoto in remission, that I can’t imagine doing anything to mess this feeling up - including eating a warm slice of freshly baked bread with french butter. THAT’S how you know you’ve been sick as a dog, ladies and gentlemen - when that is not even tempting enough to sway you. I’m gonna be a good patient now for as long as I need to to keep things right.
Here’s the reason it may be pertinent to YOU though (thanks for sticking with me): it has brought me back to a new place with cooking. I am so limited - I even had to give up my beloved coffee - that I can’t even have seeds or nuts or spices. Not cooking with cumin has been the hardest challenge thus far, to be honest.
But it has gotten me squarely out of my rut - I literally just threw together some gulf shrimp ceviche yesterday with grapefruit juice, cucumbers, a beautiful Meyer Lemon vinegar gifted to me by a chef friend, brunoise zucchini, some shallots and cilantro, salt, lemon juice. That was it! I alternated eating it with some Terra Chips, which are just root chips and some salted Nori wraps. That’s not a crazy exciting idea or anything, but I can tell you, it wouldn’t have been just a thing I threw together before this diet. And, I literally threw it together with whatever good looking citrus and vinegar and vegetables I had on hand, making sure the shrimp was chopped small enough let the vinegar cook it through.
Also, last night, I roasted chicken thighs with garlic cloves, artichoke hearts, lemon wedges, salt, rosemary and olive oil. Again, not revolutionary, but being so reductive in my cooking (no butter, no spices, no tomatoes… it goes on..) has really given me a lot of time to think about flavor and how best to get it from the most basic places without it tasting basic.
The chicken, for example, I ordinarily would have seared and braised it, picking it up with white wine, butter, garlic and all the business. Instead, last night, I made sure to use a lot of the artichoke marinade (which was just herbs and olive oil), plenty of lemon and shallots and garlic and cook the chicken on a much lower temp than I would have ordinarily because I wanted it to take time to marinade as it slow cooked. Then, in the last ten to twelve minutes, I threw some asparagus in there, kicked up the heat to a near broil and let everything get nice and sharp and roasted, the liquids reducing in the high heat, the asparagus getting a bit charred and making things a bit roastier for the ride.
I’ve simply had to rethink how to build flavor and it has become remarkably FUN.
This kind of feels similar to my post a few weeks ago How Do Chefs Use Cookbooks - I find it endlessly interesting how people think about cooking, especially people who have done it professionally. It surprises even me sometimes the things I’ve come to instinctively understand simply from a place of constant practice - it only takes a little confidence to just jump in and assume you know best when it comes to flavor. Trust that feeling. It’s likely correct.
This weekend I was honored to speak at the SouthWord Literary Festival in Chattanooga, TN. I was interviewed by Lauren Zilen, owner of Niedlove’s Bakery - worth the drive from ANYWHERE. A remarkable bakery, a remarkable human. You should definitely put it on your list of places to visit if you are anywhere near Chattanooga.
I read a section from my memoir, Our Lady of Perpetual Hunger. It’s the essay actually that the whole book is written from - a missive about MFK Fisher and How to Cook a Wolf. This was an essay I wrote years before the book deal or the James Beard even came to pass. It is what the memoir is anchored in and, wow did three paragraphs about me pumping breast milk on the back of a toilet when I was a cocktail waitress at Jackson’s scare the holy shit out of some sweet Chatanooga country boys that were just there to hear Rick Bragg talk about sweet tea and screen doors and hound dogs in the cornfields. The room cleared out quicker than you could say “nipple”.
Still, it was a real pleasure to be amongst luminaries like Beverly Lowry, who I also was so pleased to have a long, leisurely conversation with about our favorite new television shows and movies as we signed books. Not to mention Clyde Egerton, the aforementioned Rick Bragg, Maurice Ruffin and so many others…
Hearing Ms. Lowry speak about empathy was something I won’t forget. I wish I could recall a specific nugget to share but really, the feeling I’m left with is that living 84 years sure can give you a stunning perspective if you allow it to.
Her newest book Deer Creek Drive (The stunning true story of a murder that rocked the Mississippi Delta and forever shaped one author’s life and perception of home.) is in my hands and I am already mid-way through. My favorite kind of non-fiction book is historical true crime and Ms. Lowry excels in the craft heroically.
Another favorite to note: KISSER NASHVILLE is open! I had a remarkable luncheon there before my diet took my life over and, if I have to count it as one of the last great meals of my life, it will be a win.
They are located 747 Douglas Ave., Nashville, TN 37207 Suite 105B and they are opened Thursday - Monday 11a - 230p. You should go immediately.
Thanks for indulging me in a random Sunday post. I figure I’ll just get over my weird performance anxiety in this space - something keeps me from writing as frequently as I’d like, aiming for something other worldly each time, letting my anxiety and self-reflection get the better of me. When really, I should just get out of my own way a little more. That seems to be the trick in so many things in life - getting out of your own way. Someone I love is practicing that as part of his recovery process and it’s a good look on him, this learning and effort. He’s brave and inspiring. So, here I am, learning and practicing, taking his lead.
Happy Sunday to all,
Lisa
I'm sorry you're going through the health challenges you are, but thank you for sharing them. I loved your book and I love good food as much as I love good writing. I also have been living with a variably evolving, very restrictive diet for decades now as I have severe Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I've had to get resourceful in my ingredient-substitution language as I pretty much have to cook all my own food (I can't even eat garlic and onions - booo!!!). Still, I refuse to eat the same boring, aggressively-healthy-at-the-cost-of-all-flavour things over and over.
Why I truly appreciate your post is that I am tired of watching/reading cooks/chefs who are married to 'the classics' of butter, dairy, wheat, soy and so on. I get that they taste amazing, I truly do remember! But the combination of mainstream North American eating and driving forward at a dizzying pace take a massive toll on our health, no questions about it. So I love hearing your ideas about food combinations and cooking methods within your health means because you too refuse to be relegated to flavourless-ness food.
Good for you for taking your own body seriously and for challenging your own creative parameters. Nourishment is about so much more than just an ingredient list. The front end of changing your eating is the hardest bit. It does get better as you emerge from the most severe restrictions. And it will be possible to keep your identity as a chef even as you re-wire your relationship to the food you eat. All the best to you.
I love this world you vulnerably and sensorily share with us. What a gift. For every wave of resistance you have to share in this space we ask... swim through! 🙏🏼